I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
