ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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