I think my fart just growled at me.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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