she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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