I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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