Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
