Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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