so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
