Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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