Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
