I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
