Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
pop tarts are not kleenex
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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