i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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