She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
