We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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