Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
