Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize