And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Randomize
