it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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