Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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