I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
