This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I need a beard to bite.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize