why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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