Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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