i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
