if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
