Screwed.edu
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
