I need to stop coming to work sober
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
