I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
