You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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