you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
false alarm. still invincible.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
