I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
