"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Randomize
