Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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