so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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