Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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