Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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