thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize