I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
