I'm lost and stupid without you.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
