i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
