Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
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