Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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