She went from zero to smokin in five shots
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My ass is underappreciated
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
