Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
