we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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