Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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