just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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