why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
