I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
It's rum buckets o'clock
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
