I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm drive I can fine osifer
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
