I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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