Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
