when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize