If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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