i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Randomize
