Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
