don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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