So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
