A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
