I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you will always have a special place in my vag
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
