I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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