South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
