I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize