Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
