i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Randomize
