just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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