I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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