You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
